I Am Here (Update: 16th Sept, 2014)

I have not posted anything here in literally months. April I think was my last post.

With everything getting moved about a bit and with a moment were I don’t know what to do, here is whats been going on.

That was about a week ago now but not that much happens to it’s still pretty right.


 

As for my videos;

I’ve finally got round to making an opener for “Open Letter” so that series should start soon. Don’t know how often it will be though.

I want to start-up both Nerdcrafteria/Nerdfighteria series’ again but I need to re-do some intros before I consider it. Haven’t been on the server much recently.

My rant-y series “Opinionated” should take a few more steps soon, one I get round to doing it.

All other writings are stopped till I can sort out a schedule for everything else.


As for the Torch: Entertinament Guide;

There wasn’t a “Retro Monday” this week. Mainly because I forgot more than anything. I’m still doing it.

I’ve applied for an MCM London Press Pass. If I get it, would be my first ever press pass and the write-ups I make from it should open up more press passes in the future.

I’ve finally finished the “Blackbay” review, several weeks late. I think it shows how much of an imprint it left on me. If your interested, I gave it 2/5. Gory for the sake of it with insane design but has decent puzzles and some bum clenching moments. Not sure when it’ll go up, if it isn’t already.

Web Game Reviews” videos back next week. I’ve just called it a series break so I can tweak stuff. “Week in Game News” still went/goes up as normal.

I’ve made the first part of a 2-parter called “A Retro Gamers Buyers Guide“. Not sure when it will go up.

Things are a bit in the air as the Torch is concerned as Kennie and Chris just moved to I haven’t had much talking with them recently.


That should be everything. If I’ve missed something then go to comments and ask.

Update and Current Vid List [19th April 2014]

Hello There Internet,

I feel like there should be an update on my goings on as of today.

In recent news, the Editing PC has now been fixed and videos should start going up on YouTube fairly soon depending on how quickly they get made. This week is a fairly busy week. It is Easter after all but that’s only tomorrow.  On Friday I will be attending the “UK Blog Awards” as part of the “Torch Entertainment Guide“‘s contingent (with co-creators/owners Kennie and Chris) which as been shortlisted for the ‘PR, Marketing, Media & Communication‘ award as an organization. Might lead to a win and more work. Here’s hoping for both.

Anyway, on the video front there is some movement as I can now record and edit footage. As set series go here is what is going so far.

For the “Wil of the Torch” YouTube channel:

  • Week in Gaming News” makes a return. I want to improve the visuals but that can take time so not setting anything as yet.
  • Other stuff is planned, like group lets plays and MMO stuff but that’s in the air at the moment so going to see how that turns out first before setting anything.

For my personal “Guy off the Internet” channel:

  • Web Game Review” will make a daily, 7 day week return. I’m making better graphics for this too but (again) may take time so no date setting. I decided to keep in on my channel rather than move give it to the Torch. Not keeping all my journalistic eggs in one basket.
  • Building Nerdfighteria” will be a new series replacing “Nerdcrafteria Builds” and the other Nerdfighteria stuff. It will be a weekly (maybe more) Minecraft series building a Minecraft representation Nerdfighteria. Talking about general going’s on. May lean towards the topics of the “Vlogbrothers” talk about, more so I can rant or give my opinion on stuff.
  • Open Letter” will be something different. It’s not gameplay. It’s in lieu of The Brother’s Green “Crash Course” (Part of the Nerdfighteria community) ‘Open Letter’ segment and this from the TV series “Black Books”; There is hope that I will be funny but things like that a relative so it’s a try and see what happens sort of thing. Should be one a week but it may be longer depending how quickly I can make them. One a week at most, one a month at least.
  • I might do “Let’s Plays” and restart the “Pixelmon” Minecraft series but I’m not set on the ideas as yet so maybe.

I am also geared up for streaming. Not set on the idea yet but maybe. I might do a few test runs and see how it goes.

That’s really it for now. As I said I am planing more but it’s early days so getting back into the swing of things before going head on. As livelihoods go its pretty sketchy but here’s hopping that I can make a name of myself and get more work with other ‘Tubers, MCN’s, and stuff.

Oh yeah, writing is still slow. Defiantly no books till next year and that’s being optimistic. Depending how stuff goes they may end up on the back-burner. Still like the idea of me as a writer. Just not a a sole one.

Talk Later!

Wil.

Update on Stuff [19th 3/2014]

Hello internet.

I think I would be time to update al the people who read this stuff on the current going ons here with me.

Videos:

The ‘Editing PC‘ is still broken excreta excreta, still no ability to record, edit excreta excreta. If you don’t know, me and the Dad found out what the problem was and it was the OCZ Solid State Drive that went. It’s either wait for a replacement (under warranty mind) or buy a new one. As the later is free and the former £400 we’ve gone for the free option.

Writings:

I have pretty much left script-writing. I will write a script every now and then and may hand it round but otherwise I’ve moved off script-writing. Part I’ll never make them myself, part I won’t direct them and the rest being I’m not that great. But, I have moved on to story writing. Some of you may have seen some of the stuff I have been putting on to my FanFiction.net account (WilMorris).  I haven’t updated it in a while but that is because I am properly writing something. That is;

The ImPure“:

It is going to be my monthly short story that I will be selling via/on Amazon e-Book self publishing. I like to describe it as a comic with no pictures. It started as a comic idea but I decided to just write it as shorts as release them myself. Sort of like the ye olden times where people like Dickens and Conan-Doyle would write their stories and print them in the newspapers of the time. But if someone wants to come forward and draw the comic then I’ll do that. Contact me by the usual channels.

So that’s the update. I would do a schedule but with the sporadic writing patterns and no videos there isn’t much point.  The only thing is “Retro Monday” on Torch Guide on Mondays.

Wil.

My Confession About Depression

I have always wondered if I have depression or not.  It’s one of my unanswered questions. But every time I look in to it I get the same response.

“… It very likely that you could be suffering from depression…” (Words from a questionnaire on NHS.uk [clinical depression])

I think now is the time for me to speak frankly not just to the small few that will read this on the internet, but to friends and family as well.

Looking back at my life I’ve always been depressed. I’ve always thought I was in some fashion. As a kid I would find comfort in playing video games. In my eyes I was addicted to them. More so then, than now as an adult. I was addicted to the escapism because I hated my life. I loved my family (I still do before you start) and my friends at the time made me happy but I still hated my life. There where times when I would just stay in my room and play video games. I would ignore friends, not eat, not go outside, etc because I didn’t want to part of the world. I wanted to be somewhere else. I wanted to be in the games I was playing. I didn’t want to be me. I wanted to be the person I was play as. Sometimes I still do.

I think it is the time to admit to family, friends and the internet that this was the first time I thought about ‘it‘. I remember the first time because I thought, ‘why not?’ Then I thought that the curtain rail couldn’t support my weight because I had broken it off once before by hanging on to it. Explaining that away way out of my skill set so I decided against it.

Internet people may not know (most family and friends know) that I am dyslexic. As a kid in primary school it was put down to me being really stupid. The headteacher at the time called me stupid. Not often but he made his opinion clear when he said “you are stupid and you are bringing down the grades of the school.” But several of my teachers guessed that I was dyslexic. My class teacher was convinced that I was dyslexic to such a point she would try to help me get through the classes. She gave me dyslexia writing exercises and told the other teachers to go easy on me if I was slow to pick up new topics. After she left (retired) I was left out on my own again. My friends saw this coming and helped. One helped me learn maths recollection techniques during break and lunch hours that I still use today.  Some of the teachers tried to help but it was a loosing battle against the head teacher. They could only do so much. I cheated on tests, got in to fights at school, generally made a nuisance of myself just to get by until I left. Because of all this, by the end of primary school I gained my rebellious and anti-establishment streak that I have today. I was less depressed but I was so angry at the world. Back then I made up the phrase to say how I felt. It was;

Shouting at the wold but knowing no one is listening.”

I went to a high school by myself. By that I mean I was the only one from my primary school to got to the high school I went to. So it was a new start. And it was. My grades went up, I didn’t get into fights (except for a few altercations but he had it coming) and everything seemed to be going ok. Except it wasn’t. Looking back there was always something. A niggling thought in the back of my mind that said that something was wrong. Something said that I was different. By the end of high school I was used to being different. At one point (in the very latter parts of high school) I was a goth-emo-punk so fitting in wasn’t the top of my list and I didn’t really care. By now I wasn’t depressed. I just didn’t care. I was ambivalent about my existence. Didn’t care if anything happened to me or not.

Then 6th Form collage came. After pushing everything to the back of my mind for the whole of my time at high school it all came back in only a few week/months. You see, science is something that runs in my family. My dad is an engineer and my elder cousin is doctor of science. So I thought that I could be come that. I knew that university was the ultimate goal because that it my families average. 50% of 2 generations went to university. 1/2 in the generation above me and (by then) 2/3 of my generation. Me going was going to make it 3/4. So I choose the family subjects; Biology, Chemistry, Physics and Maths. (Maths divided up as; Statistics, Pure and Particle Maths.) I was kicked out of my maths classes in (if I remember) 6 weeks, and was kicked out of all science classes, and therefore college, after the mock exams so a about 3 months. As I was kicked out so early in the term I called it my ‘Gap Year’. All this just made me depressed. I felt stupid again and felt that I done my family name wrong. Failing before getting to university just made me think myself as a failure. But then I remembered that teachers said I was probably dyslexic way back in primary school. So I went to my mum, who I as living with at the time, and said;

I think I’m dyslexic.”

Turns out I was right. The adult psychologist said that he was surprised that I had managed to get through high school considering how dramatic my case was. After I was officially diagnosed at the ripe age of 18, I finally had proof that I wasn’t stupid. And for once, I wasn’t depressed. I re-applied for 6th Form doing Media Studies, Photography and Psychology. The head of the 6th form said I looked different when I went back. He said I wasn’t hunched, I didn’t shuffle as I walked, he said it looked liked like a physical weight had been lifted off my shoulders. That’s what I felt like.  It seemed like things was going to be ok from now on.

At least back then it did. This is where I look back at what I did and think “why the hell did I do that?!” Looking back to the events back then, I was slowly sabotaging myself. Must have been slow because it took 2 years. I smoked (not any more), I drank (back on this later), I broke up with my first long-term girlfriend [twice…] (which I still feel guilty about even though we still talk) which is the only time I’ve broken up with anyone, ever. (Really. I’m the one that gets dumped usually.)

Going to university was more of the same. Self sabotage out of a feeling of something bad was coming or not wanting to be hurt again. Most of it was out of self-doubt. I had barely gotten in to uni. I gotten lower grades in 2/3 classes and didn’t have enough points to get into uni but they let me in any way. That should have been a sign because as the courses went on I was slowly getting lower and lower grades. My second year was filled with thoughts of ‘why the hell am I doing this?’ I felt stupid again. I just felt more and more depressed. The more depressed I felt the worse my grades became. By my 3rd year I had failed most of my classes and where dong re-sits. It felt certain that I was not going to get the degree. I didn’t. I fell short by a rather large margin and never got the degree. I think I is also time to admit to my family that failing courses was not the only reason why I failed to get the degree. My the end of the third year I was so depressed I never handed in the last 2 assignments. By the end I stopped going to classes. Everything that had happened to me over the years, primary school, high school, everything, was not as bad a this. £9,000 had gone in and nothing came from it. I still vow that I will never take paid education ever again. I don’t trust my self to even finish let alone get a grade.

So here I am with whatever skills I have. Jobless out a fear that I’ll just fail like all other things before.

This is why I write from home, why I make videos myself, why (even in this) I try to entertain. It’s undiagnosed but it feels just the same. I am depressed. I have depression. I live with it and I’m used to it.

As a final message;
Dear family and friends, let me do what I want to do. The money is dismal, I will never have a pension and the prospects are from here on out for the rest of my life are nothing but grim. But I like it this way.

Thank you.

Update! [18th Jan 2014]

Hello Internet,

So what has happened to me.

Firstly, about the lack of “Gaming News” yesterday. Well the editing PC blue-screened around early in the week and it still isn’t fixed. That means no recording or editing of any kind. The PC I’m on now has no editing program and can’t record video. Audio it can record but there is more background interference and I don’t want my videos to have a noticeable ‘hiss’ in the background. It’s distracting and annoying.

On why I never wrote up and news thing. It was because my office space, AKA the section of my bedroom where I work, moved. It went from this;

Old "Office Space" [2014]

To this;

 New "Office Space" [2014]

So I can work for longer without breaking my bed or getting a crick in my back/neck/other joints by being in an actual chair. And you may see 2 different TV’s as well. That is because the old TV doesn’t recognize the PVR box I got for Christmas. So got a new one. So I can now record the consoles and maybe stream. Stream PC games is harder because I have to usurp the house PC and that’s not nice and I just can’t do.

So no videos for the time being but their may be streaming. So the good with the bad.

And writing as normal. Here’s a hint to the next “Retro Monday”.

Wil.

2014 New Year Update!

Hello There Internet,

Things are shifting around now. I’m not getting rid of anything before you ask. This isn’t a sad message. It’s new year. Why should it be?

Anyway, stuff here on my blog and stuff on the Torch Guide aren’t going anywhere or changing. (They’re contract locked.)

But over on YouTube things are shifting. Some of you my know that I got another channel called ‘WiloftheTorch‘. This is for journalistic type videos. That means that the ‘Web Game Reviews‘ are moving to that channel. But with that, there may be more content. For example, I have finally nailed down the format for ‘Week In Gaming News‘ and that should be going up on the Torch channel.

But with stuff shifting on the third leg off the Torch there will be lost of free space on my channel. I got a Hauppauge PVR Recorder at Christmas so that means console videos. Once I can connect it to my TV… Look, my TV is a decade old, maybe more, and it can’t connect. I have also been expressly forbidden from usurping the downstairs, bigger, year old TV for my videos. And because it means I have to ‘borrow’ my Dad’s laptop because the PC is nowhere near the TV. (Both at ether end of the room.)

While I scourer the internet for adapters, you my wonder why there haven’t been any videos in a while. 1.) It was Christmas/New Year. A long period of filled with birthdays so I took take 2 weeks off because of house jumping. No time to record anything. Also 2.) I want to make it look nicer. You may notice that the ‘WOTT‘ channel has backgrounds, thumbnails and no videos while mine has videos and nothing else. I want to change that. Also, the starting and ending graphic are a bit prolonged and crap so want to change that too. Hopefully, all that should be done soon. I’m making it and I have no graphic programs but I have and editing program I barely know how to use and had classes on film-making so that compensates. Sort of…

Anyway, I’m back on the Torch on Monday with ‘Retro Monday’ and I am also writing reviews for GTA V, Assassin’s Creed IV and Last Of Us as new games so that’s something.

Wil.